Unless you've been to one of Chastenwood's spanking parties, chances are you have never been to this sort of an event before. For most folks it's probably hard to imagine what such a party could be like, or how something as private and personal as spanking could even be done at a party!

Like any party, there are basic rules of etiquette that need to be followed to avoid unpleasantness and make the party a success for all attending. I will list those below, under the heading "Party Etiquette."

But first, I'll try to describe what a spanking party is like.

What To Expect

Spanking parties are not like BDSM parties. No dungeon is needed, no restraint equipment, and no black leather costumes. Most spanking fantasies involve men in suits and women in dresses or skirts, with a scattering of schoolgirl uniforms or suchlike. But spankers, we've learned, tend to be fairly conservative, so for most parties, unless you have a theme, guests should dress as they would for a dinner party, anywhere between casual and formal.

A spanking party will start out like any party, sitting around chatting and getting to know one another. There will likely be snack foods and non-alcoholic drinks. Speaking from experience, I don't recommend allowing alcohol at a spanking party. Spanking is a fine art, and having either participant drunk can make it go very badly.

People will be in the mood for spanking, and you'll feel the tension in the air. The sooner someone breaks the ice and spanks somebody, the better. Couples who are experienced are most likely to do this, and could probably be encouraged to do so. Once someone has begun spanking, people will begin arranging liaisons with those they like to play with or are attracted to, and start pairing off to go spank each other in other rooms. Some might stay right in the front room, and spank each other unashamedly, right there for all to see. Soon you will hear the sounds of spankings filling the house, filtering out from all the back rooms. Do not be alarmed.

You may choose to watch someone's spanking, and this is fine. You may approach a person, provided they aren't involved in a scene, and arrange your own spanking scene. There are no special codewords or protocols for doing this. A simple "Would you like to be spanked?" will do. Sometimes, if the spankee in question is married, you may prefer to ask her husband if he would mind if you spanked her. He may even arrange it for you. Couples are usually there to play with others. Usually, at a party, each person will do scenes with many different partners. There will often be spectators to their spankings. Feel free to watch, unless they make it clear they want privacy. Having someone watch a spanking scene adds energy to it, and makes it better.

Eventually, of course, bottoms will become too sore to go on, and the party will wind down, but surging adrenaline will sustain people far longer than you'd expect. You will probably find you can take a lot more spanking at a party than you ever could at home.

Party Etiquette

Dress is important at spanking parties. Dress well, don't wear your tee-shirt, jeans and sneakers. For guys, collared shirts, sport jackets, even ties are good. Suits would not be out of place. If you are also a BDSM practitioner, you can leave the leathers, collars, black tee-shirts, handcuffs, chains, etc. at home for this party, for they will look out of place here. For ladies, skirts or dresses are reccomended. Pants will work, but you'll find yourself having to get up to unfasten them and pull them down, thus interrupting your own scene. Pantyhose are not recommended, as they are difficult to negotiate when you're laid across a lap, and don't look particularly sexy in that position. The stay-up or garter-belt kind of stockings work best.

At a spanking party, anonymity is important for many, so using only first names, nicknames, or even aliases is perfectly acceptable. There must be no cameras or recording devices allowed at parties. Again, spankers are very conservative, and don't want pictures taken of them. Respect everyone's privacy in this regard.

Allow no professional dominants, and no buying or selling of services at your spanking parties. This may not seem important, but trust me, I've seen parties wrecked by this kind of activity. The pleasant, sincere, warm atmosphere that usually predominates at a spanking party can change quickly when a pro-dom begins doing her thing. Not to mention the fact that once money changes hands in exchange for spanking, it becomes something the police would be interested in.

When approaching a woman you would like to spank, an honest, up-front approach is best. Don't approach her in roleplay ("You look like you've been very naughty, Young Lady!"), nor is it necessary to use clever innuendo. And most important of all, if you ask her and she says no, do not ask her again. Don't pressure her, don't ask her why not, don't continue to pester her. If she says "maybe later", let her decide when "later" may be. Don't come back in half an hour and say "How about now?" Doing these things will not increase the likelihood of her wanting to play with you, it will only lower you to the category of "pest".

Negotiate. If you are about to spank someone you have never spanked before, there should be at least a few words said between you before she goes over your lap. Discuss how hard you should spank her, and with what. The one being spanked should always have a means of communicating that she's being spanked too hard, and that the spanker needs to lighten up or stop altogether. Safewords are an option, which is the use of codewords that are totally out of context, and thus will not be mistaken for part of roleplay. B&D people like to use "yellow light" for lighten up and "red light" for stop, and this works well. If you are roleplaying and don't want to ruin the mood, you can even end the scene without breaking character by suddenly begging for mercy, becoming very contrite, and agreeing to be good. The hardest part is, the spankee has to be willing to stop the scene if she is being taken too far beyond her limits. All too often, she is so deeply into her submissive role that she cannot bring herself to speak out. Be aware of this. It can be nice to be taken a little bit beyond your limits, but go too far and you'll have a bad experience and be too sore to play any more.

Roleplaying: Roleplay is often an important part of a spanking scene. However, generally speaking, roleplaying tends not to work very well in a party environment. Occasionally folks might try some light roleplaying at a party, usually tongue-in-cheek, but don't expect the kind of play where you go deep into character. That sort of play is best done with someone you know well, in a private setting.

Intimacy: When you are spanking a woman you don't know well, be a gentleman and don't become overly intimate with her unless she asks you to. Yes, it is right there between her cheeks and you may yearn to touch it, but doing so escalates the scene to a level of intimacy that she hasn't agreed to. Alarms will go off, and she'll end up feeling as though her trust has been violated. This is an aspect of spanking that must be reserved for when you know her better. Intimate touching rarely happens at spanking parties, even among mates.  Certainly, you could have a party where sex is encouraged, but that should only occur with people who know each other very, very well.

Courtesy while watching a spanking: When you are watching a spanking, or someone is being spanked in the room with you, give them plenty of room. It can be distracting when someone is too close. Also, all conversation should cease. Do not talk during a spanking. There are usually rooms set aside for conversation, like the kitchen or dining room. If it isn't practical to leave the room and you still need to talk to someone, at least move away from the spanking and whisper.

Verbal participation: Sometimes, during a spanking, the spanker may invite comments or participation from those around him; this is a casual way of building a multi-person roleplaying scene, and you should feel free to participate. Just remember that the spanker is in charge, and he will set the parameters of your participation by what he says. Involving others in a disciplinary scene can add a lot to it, and everyone benefits, but be sure to take your cues from the spanker.

If you are a crossover BDSM person and you get the urge to show these spankers a few things by doing a full-on B&D scene with naked bondage, nipple clamps and twirling floggers, please don't. There are plenty of venues for that kind of play, but the spankers won't be impressed unless they, too, are BDSM crossovers. Most spankers are not.

Nudity: Some folks like to do spanking scenes in which the spankee is naked. More traditional spankers may be offended by this, so it is best to do this sort of scene in a private room unless you know that those around you won't mind.

Implements: All sorts of utensiles can be found at spanking parties. You'll see straps, paddles, crops, switches, canes, floggers, belts, razor strops, hairbrushes, quirts, and an assortment of things you may not have considered using for such a purpose. If you have some toys you'd like to bring to a party, by all means bring them! There are likely to be some very experienced spankers at a party, and if you have something you are uncertain about, or that isn't safe for use, they will be happy to tell you. Of course, the favorite and most-used implement will always be the palm of the hand.

As with nearly all parties, all smoking must be done outside.

Drinking: A little alcohol can help you overcome your nervousness about spanking or being spanked in public, but more than a little can impair your judgement about how hard to spank or how hard you want to be spanked. It can render spankers less able to pick up those subtle cues that mean the difference between a great spanking and a failed one. It can make spankees less able to judge just how intimate they want to be with a particular person, or how severely they want to be spanked. If you discover that someone you are with is noticably inebriated, spanker or spankee, don't play with them. Encourage them to eat and drink a soda, take a break, or whatever, but don't put them or yourself in a compromising position.

Safety vs Privacy: One of the best things about a spanking party is that you can be spanked by almost total strangers and still be safe. There are plenty of people around, and nobody can take you farther than you want to go. Going into a private room with someone and closing the door removes this safety net. If you don't know the person you're with very well, you would be well advised to play with them in public, or if you do go into a room alone, leave the door open.

Occasionally (only twice in the history of Chastenwood), a person will come to a party and ignore the most basic tenets of common courtesy. Such persons should bear in mind this fundamental truth: The spanking community is very, very small. If you behave boorishly at a party, you won't be invited to more parties. If you behave badly with one woman in private, you can be sure that she will tell every other woman, and you will find that no one will ever play with you again. Ever.

These are the basic guidelines of behavior that we've found to be important. Not that violations of these rules have been common; not at all. Since we started Chastenwood, there have only been rare instances of bad behavior, and the perpetrators haven't been back. Truth is, we have found that spanking people are some of the nicest, most civilized, discrete, mature and intelligent groups we have ever had the pleasure of encountering, and we absolutly love being a part of such a community. We think you will too.